Sunday, June 14, 2015


Four days of 85 degree summer heat had made me very thirsty, so one day last week, instead of napping through the hottest part of the afternoon, I wandered into a nearby speakeasy and had a drink. Wary of the hot tar and burger smell perpetually wafting around outside in the hot months, I stayed there into the evening, then into the night, and then got kicked out, and then hung out in the parking lot, and then passed out in the parking lot, and then got ran over by a leaving patron, and then went to the hospital, and then was released (something about a sprained toe not warranting the doctor's time) ... At 7 am, I decided I should probably get a pita or something, and actually made it to Rimrock Mall...where I realized they don't have pitas. 

Wacked out, exhausted, and starving, I met a Cinnabon worker who told me he'd let me have two Minibons if I got rid of the annoying guy who had been hanging out there all day, ordering one item at a time and making critical assessments of each product aloud, as if anyone nearby actually gave credence to his opinions. I sensed the greasy young man's wish to be heard by an audience and approached him. After stroking his 10 day old neckbeard in thought, he agreed to interview Billings' No Cigar for the blog (the condition being that he had to go home immediately to do it), so he hiked up his ridiculously oversized pants and toddled out. The Cinnabon guy thanked me and even threw in a Tropical Blast Chillatta! Below, you'll see an interview with No Cigar, conducted by Dustin "living reddit" Waterson.

There's nothing more frightening than thinking you're taking a photo of an empty park at night,
only to see this staring back at you when the flash goes off

Umb, hello, good sirs. (heavy breath) Would you please introduce yourselves for our audience? (breath, breath)

Zach:  I'm Zach.  I sing and play bass.  
Nick: I'm Nick. I sing and play guitar. We have two other members... Colton(drums and vocals) & Chris(Guitar and vocals) They don't like interviews... or were busy... or don't check their emails...

Dow, I hear you are a very active band. (breath) Can you tell us about what you’ve been up to this year? (slightly heavier breathing).

Zach:  I spent most of the last year not working and playing video games.  I think the other guys were writing songs and being productive.
Nick: Indeed, we have been writing new songs, making  new videos, playing shows, and bugging people on Twitter to listen to our music. 

(labored breath) As sombeone who enjoys cloaking thembselves in black, I amb referencing my adult extra-large duster, I also happened to notice that sombe of you like to wear black often. (breath) Is there a particular reason for that choice?

Zach:  I have several reasons for wearing black:  I have a white cat, so it's a good way to get myself covered in very visible animal hair.  I am messy, so it's a good way to hide stains from food and garbage.  The color also gets pretty hot in the sun, so it's the perfect way to stay sweaty and smelly all summer long.
Nick: Pretty much what Zach said... and Johnny Cash.

Umb, dow, I do believe I saw you in concert last year and you had the MASH themesong playing before you took the stage. (breath) Being an avid television, Netflix, Hulu Plus, movie, Amazon Prime/Instant Video, youtube, vimeo, cloudload, itunes, googleplus, vudu, epix, crackel, vines watcher, I was well acquainted with the song. Why did you choose that particular theme? (breathing, breathing, breathing)

Zach:  I'm pretty sure Nick had that all picked out to start the set before anyone else even joined the band.  He's a big fan of the show I think.  I think it's old.  And smelly.

Nick: Hahahaha

(breath, breath) I (breath) thoroughly (breath) enjoy the monster art (breath) that is on much of your (breath) merchandise and website. (breath) Whose work is that? (breath)

Zach:  AJ Ostlund did that...right?  I think? 
Nick: Yes, AJ did all the "Monsters" artwork... and any of our good logos, posters, etc... AJ probably did those too. All of the "ehh, at least he tried stuff", I probably did. 

(breath) Minimalism (breath) or maximalism? (breath, breath)

Zach:  Yes?
Nick: I'm probably somewhere in between. 

(breath, breath, breath)Umb, what is it(breath) that keeps you in Montana ?(chip bag crinkling)

Zach:  I have no desire to live anywhere else at the moment. 
Nick: Family, friends, work... low population density...

(munch)(breath)(munch)Umb, dow, (breath) if you all had to pick one way to die, what would you pick, and, umb, (breath)(munch) why?

Zach:   My way to die would be grow old at a very low rate over 10000000000000000000000000000 years.  Because I'm afraid of dying.
Nick: Refer to the minimilism vs maximilism question. Quick and painless leaves no time to prepare... long and drawn out sounds painful and sad... 

(doritos munching)
Urmph, sombeone told me that you have sombe exciting things coming up. Could you endlighten the readers?

Zach:  Fall tour; going west and down the coast.  Something like that.  Hopefully some more songs sang by me, since I'm the best.
Nick:  Denver Underground Music Showcase in July, Magic City Markers Anniversary Party on July 31st & of course Dreyfest in August. We did end up on a free compilation cd by Rise Or Die Records featuring 50 bands from 50 states. It will be passed out at Warped Tour dates across the country. That's pretty cool... oh yeah, and another self-booked west coast tour in the fall.

(breath) Dow, do you all have some (Dorito flecked cough) links you’d like to share?(chip bag crinkling) 

Zach:  You can check out my world record speed runs at
Nick: We're pretty much on every social media site ever. #nocigarus

Umb (pant, pant), dow (breath)...umb (breath)...(wheeze)I, umb ...(increasingly labored breathing)...I think I may be having a heart attack, (breath, breath) so I may have to cut this interview short, my apolo-

And with that, Dustin collapsed. We rushed him to the hospital, where the ER doctor warned me that "this better not be another toe sprain" but I pointed him in Dustin's direction. As it turns out, he had inhaled quite a bit of the Code Red he was drinking, and the doctors had diagnosed it as a new form of pneumonia! Dewmonia. 

...No worries though, he recovered just fine. And then died of a real heart attack the following week.


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